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Also. :(

My friend's mother committed suicide. There are no words.  I haven't heard anything from her in five days, but I'm trying to not ask, lest she feels pressured by it. I hope she's OK. She's probably still at her Dad's house. 

She's anorexic and depressed, her father's depressed and suffered from cancer recently, her brother should be mentally OK but he has small children, how are they going to explain this so them? 

The mother was a joyful person on the outside, a doctor, the rock of the family. She was HAPPY, or so it seemed. This was a huge shock. 

I was quite depressed a couple of days after hearing this. But since I didn't know her that well, I'm already feeling better. It feels cruel to feel joyful when something so awful happened to your friend, but what would she benefit from my depression? Life goes on. It's just...

Sometimes I find it hard to believe in God. But I can't stop believing. She is there with Him and resting at last. I don't need to get it, I just need to worry about being a good friend. 


Sep. 28th, 2012

I'm really embarrassed about my James Callis fandom up til now. I feel like I only recently woke up and realized I was totally neurotic, obsessive, and needy. I'm not sure if it was calculated - James is an empathetic person so of course he'll feel for me if I show I have issues - or if I just couldn't help showing all of my issues in the blog and everywhere. Basically, I needed a therapist and friends - both of which I had, but not in him. My grip of reality was not the best at the time. For one thing, I felt like I had to be super emphatic about how much everything he did meant to me, in case he'd be disappointed if I wasn't excited enough. I'm sure his self esteem is that fragile, and I as one fan was that important. I didn't even think that if he reads the blog, and I'm super emphatic about stuff, he might think he means TOO much to me. Which is creepy. But maybe that's the right impression too. 

I wish I could just erase the whole four years and show myself to him as I really am. I'm smart and calm and empathetic and I don't demand stars to pay attention to me. That's the real me. I think. Or maybe the obsessive, needy side is also the real me and it was just on top when my depression was worse? But you know, okay. If he sees me as an endlessly neurotic weirdo, there might be nothing I can do. And maybe that's OK. I'll never be friends with him or work with him, I may never even meet him in person. My fandom will just fade away with time and he can appreciate it or ignore it, as he sees fit. No reason to be embarrassed. Others made a fool of themselves too. (I won't name names but I've seen some cringeworthy tweets.) Talking to stars you admire is tough. James made a fool of himself in front of John Hurt too. 

I left the Ace of Base fandom partially because I had grown and felt my old posts were embarrassing. All the stupid debates about the band members' personalities, which I knew nothing about, and all the focus on Jonas' weight - I was such an idiot. I couldn't go back to an alias everyone knew. Maybe they saw good things too - many people liked me there - but I only saw the embarrassing crap. I wanted to hide myself in the sand. Also I was no longer a fan. I had moved on to other music, other people.

But I don't want to do it now, because the James fandom is not that big and I'm very visible. I haven't stopped fangirling either, so I should stay. I should just... not talk to him or something. Or maybe I should talk to him sometimes, now when I no longer think of him every day, and I can take his tweets with a grain of salt instead of fawning over him. 

I realize this post might mean I'm still neurotic and depressed and obsessive about him (not to mention myself). But at least I'm somewhat realistic about it now. Right? Is it a virtue in and of itself to be realistic, if the reality is grim? But I'm not obsessed with the idea that he hates me, and I'm not weighed down by a terrible shame every day. I just think of it sometimes and feel bad. I feel llike I can move on though. My dignity and likeability is not the issue, the point is to allow James to be separate from my issues. Just enjoy him from afar, like you do a shining star. 

Aug. 3rd, 2012

Trigger warning: fat hate, depression; feelings might change once this sadness is over

So Zachary Quinto apparently said something dumb about fat people. I wasn't even able to read what he said. 

Is this gonna be a thing now? Are celebrities just going to come out of the woodwork and say assy things about fat people? Do I have to tolerate it from everyone I love watching? 

Should I just start forgiving people for doing this crap because EVERYONE is doing it? Even George Takei. And Stephen Fry, although at least he only hated himself.

Every other TV show is a diet show now, and it seems like fat has become this THING that people have to comment on and take a stand against, and we're fair game to make fun of. 

It was a good day otherwise. I was happy otherwise. I have to come online and read this crap, because I'm fat and it's always about me. I guess it happened a bunch when I was Just Chubby too, but now that I'm FAT it's always about me and I can't sugar-coat it by saying it's only about people bigger than me. (Why does that help anyway? It's still assy if it hurts anyone. But that's how selfish I am.) 

Should I hate everyone who's involved in fat-hating shows too? Everyone who was involved in the production of "Married with Children", or "Nanny", or whatever? Should I hate Eddie Murphy for all the fat suit crap? 

I think I was more at ease just hating Morgan Spurlock and Jamie Oliver, because their brand of TV is something I don't like watching anyway. But should I worry about liking any shows because they're made by people who don't like me? 

OR should I always say it's not about me it's not about me it's not about me? 

I'm scared of liking any celebrity at this point. They'll all just hate on us. I should de-fan before HE does. I shouldn't get my hopes up with anyone because humanity is hopeless and people only understand issues they have themselves. 

..Or maybe being drunk is making me depressed. Or... I don't even know. 

I'm beginning to think men are all the same and I can't trust any of them, which I guess comes from the bullying memories. Is that unfair? Someone prove to cis men aren't all assholes. 

Dare I Believe It?

So James Callis posts a video link on Twitter. I click on it and the title is "fat guy breaks chair in interview". Upon seeing the word "fat", blood backs up at the back of my neck, anticipating a major panic attack. This is it. He laughs at fat people, he posts videos about it, he'd see me as a joke.

But watching the video, it's not really that anti-fat. It's this really serious interview where the chair just breaks and the guy FALLS while talking about something very serious and I LOL'ed. Maybe I shouldn't have, but I did. The panic feeling subsided completely. So I guess he might laugh at fat people but this is no reason to assume so. I'm not slighted. 

There was a double tweet, and I and notice something. He posted two separate links. The second one is the same video but titled "South African Politicians breaks chair". He deletes the first tweet with the "fat guy" link. 

...Did he actually consider that "fat guy breaks chair" sounds rude? Has he read my anxious ponderings on whether he hates fat people? Does he, without reading my posts, care how fat people feel? O.o If he does, that's a huge thing. Huge. Because often even the most otherwise compassionate people laugh at fat people openly, with no apologies, and get annoyed when called on it. 

I hesitate to post this in case I misunderstood somehow. I don't want to believe TOO good of him lest I become disappointed but honestly, how sweet is it if he thought of that? Maybe he, like, doesn't laugh at fat people. I... *cries* Oh my fangirl heart, it explodes. 

So I quit my Gallup job, finally. I'm doing every Tuesday until the end of June. The feeling is slightly nervous but excited. I dreamt I was in a community college and the class ended, and my coworkers were there. I felt some sadness, some pondering on what to do next. It was confusing. I hadn't expected for the class to end.

Unfortunately, my new job is reducing people from the phone side. I'm mostly on the transcript side of things, and that's steady at least most of the year, but I was kind of leaning on there being SOME phone work, and the boss just told me there would be, and then she suddenly lays off one of the people who do phone work full time and... Everyone's pissed off at her and the mood at the work place is totally altered. This happened in, like, two weeks. This was supposed to be a fun job where the bosses really CARE but I guess I was wrong. I'm really not sure. I still want to keep that job, but I need a new part-time job to fall back on. Translations? Actually I wish it were something brainless like clerk at the DVD rental store next door. I'd just stand there and do movie-related stuff all day and eat candy. Perfect. I'm probably not ambitious enough, but I really don't care right now if I ever become a translator. I just want to make a living and write.

Osku had a mole that I thought for sure was a tumor. My God, I was sure it was a tumor. I was grieving him already, and then it was a mole. The relief and relaxation over me was immense. I still can't think about it without literally sighing from relief, because it was just... He's 12 and a half, and I accept that that's old for a cat, but I've only had him for two years and I want to have him longer. I want us to be friends and companions for a long, long time. <3

James Callis retweeted a "take a stand against bullying" link. I feel like crying because I feel he's standing up for people like me. I haven't said anything because... Would he want to know it touched me? Or would he be creeped out that practically everything he does makes me cry because I'm so touched? Or maybe I should just retweet the link because it's a good cause and not everything is about my OMG fandom. Either way, it felt good.

There was a shooting incident in Finland. This 18-year-old guy shot two young people, and seven others were injured. The shooter's face in the cover of the magazine. The PRIDE on his face. Part of me says "sub-human scum!" Another part says, "He must have had a tough childhood". Take your pick, but I felt sick seeing that. I'm not personally scared of being shot - I guess that can happen anywhere, to anyone, or more likely not happen - but his face... The fact that some people feel nothing when they do such a thing. The fact that they want to do it. I feel... scared for humanity? I don't want to admit that these people exist. I could never cut it as a cop.

(Unless "cutting it" means farting in some language, in which case I certainly could, but I guess I couldn't be a cop so I couldn't hehehe I'm 12.)
Tried to read up on Binge Eating Disorder. I sort of fit the "grazing" thing (eating small amounts of food but very often). Most of the emotional issues are there.

I got suepr super anxious reading the site. I could hardly breathe, my heart was racing, I had to stop reading because I felt life cannot go on etc. etc. WTF was that about?

Why do I get anxious? Is it a sign that I DO have the BED or that I DO NOT? It's hard to tell.

Although, judging by the BED site I read, depression might be the cause of BED. Which might tie into what my therapist said about the food stuff coming to focus when I feel better about myself in general.

There's a really deep dark pit inside me. I'd frankl rather die from overeating than deal with it. I just, I can't. I can't deal with it.

Maybe I'll be able to deal with it better later.

PS. I'm eating a huge chicken bacon burger with fries and energy drink and I have no idea if it's part of my eD or not.

May. 13th, 2012

OMG Bad Boys Blue's "How I Need You", the Long Distance Mix! How nostalgic.

..It's actually a really repetitive song. It seemed way cooler back then.

"After what we've been thru, you've got to give me another chance."
"Or dear why."
"Yes, because it's me. I thought you loved me."
[exact same tone] "Yes, I do."

May. 12th, 2012

Sometimes I feel like I'm a difficult person. I try not to argue or re-educate people most of the time, but I've rethought everything to the point where it might be a bit demanding to be my friend online. But the thing is, I can't go back to the things I used to believe, i.e. that fat is bad, diets work, marriage is for man and woman, you should only fuck who you love, gender is man/woman and all biological, Jesus is the son of God without a doubt and there's Heaven/Hell.. I realize these things are very different in nature, but they are all commonly held beliefs. I understand why people have these beliefs, and I can never know how long I'm going to disbelieve them anyway, so I can't be all arrogant and "I know better than those people". I don't. I just can't believe in these things at the moment. 

There are things I worry about. People I otherwise care about and love, but don't agree with, finding my blogs. I write under a fake name (well, various fake names right now, Deniselle and/or Willow), because I don't want to have to explain myself all the time. I like the idea of offering myself to the internet naked and without bounds, which also eliminates a lot of people who don't like my real opinions and ideas. I like discussing things with like-minded people. I don't have the spoons to keep up with every conversation and post in a bunch of forums, but I read and write blogs, I reblog stuff on Twitter and Tumblr. I'm where the political activists are, I hear their heartbeat. That feels like being part of the action, even when I write nothing original. 

I wish I had the energy to write more original stuff, but I have the ED and depression recoveries to juggle with. Not doing so great at the moment, but I'm mulling things around, I'm growing, so all is well. Also, I think I finally recovered from my sinus infection after two (2) courses of antibiotics. I'm on a nasal spray and an antihistamine that tires me out but takes away some of the stuffiness. So maybe I won't need any draining of the sinuses. I hope. 

I changed my Twitter url to Deniselle Jordan, from the old BaltarStar. It's no longer my identity, the "I'm a James Callis fan and that's pretty much it :)" thing. It was fun for a while, but my life and identity is about more than that. I'm not sure how to fit the fan thing into politics, because I don't know what opinions James has on a variety of issues. I'm quite sure he's less racist than I am, and I know he's gay friendly, but fat acceptance is probably too much to hope for (he's empathetic and smart, but it's just so out of the mainstream, he may not have encountered it at all). Which is fine per se; fat doesn't seem to be a big deal for him, like it is for me. And I'm sure as hell not changing any of my views for his sake, let the record show. But if I keep posting/reblogging almost exclusively FA stuff, I can't do it under a JC fan identity. It's just not part of that. 

If he said something my politics don't agree with, I dunno what I'd do. I can't re-educate him, I just have too much respect for him somehow. I disagreed with him on the London riots, but then he was so nice and respectful about it that I ended up hedging and being all "OMG maybe he's right". So that's not a great debater quality, but I realized I don't WANT to debate with him. Some people butted heads with him about the Joseph Kony thing and maybe they were right, but all I saw was "awww, he cares about the children". Do I cut him too much slack? I just think it's a bit ridiculous when a celebrity posts something he believes in and people tweet back at him that he's wrong. It happens every time he posts something political, and I've started to wonder if us online political peeps aren't a bit too eager to defend our views, to the point where we don't want others to even say what they think. We can't convert every actor and singer to think like us. It's not their job to debate politics, and I don't blame James for getting exasperated with such responses. Also, he's a well read guy and knows about stuff, so we can't just tell him "read up on this dummy". (I see I'm using "us", so I'm automatically siding with the people who disagreed with him, even if I don't know much about Kony. Do I always assume I'm part of the activist squad, no matter what the cause? I must inspect my soul.) 

Maybe this has something to do with having a positive personal encounter and him being really gracious about my various neuroses. It's not like he had to reach out or say anything at all to me, ever. If I freak out about him, it's my own problem. But he was really nice, and that makes me want to be nice to him. I hope I am. He deletes tweets now and then, and I doubt it's because of me, but sometimes I wonder if I sound mean about his looks/outfits/dashes/whatever. Maybe he's easily embarrassed? You'd think he's confident, being in the public eye and all, but celebrities have feelings too. I realize worrying about this too much is just neurotic, because he doesn't sit around reading my stuff and finding offense, but it's good to be careful. I think in my previous fandom, I became hyper-critical and a bit mean and saw negative things in everything certain band members did, and I want to avoid that with James. He's just a human being, he deserves his respect. I don't want to fawn over everything he says and does, but I don't have to look at it with a microscope either. 

In other news, I got drunk last night, perhaps more so than I've been before. It wasn't fun anymore, I got depressed instead and felt huge and miserable. My belly's getting bigger and slightly droopy, and I seem to be going through an identity crisis over "but I have a pot belly that jots out, not one that hangs O.O". I bet people imagine that fatties just... I don't even know, don't think about their body shape, don't scrutinize it? Like after a certain point, it's no use? That's what I used to think. Not so.

I had a crazy busy week at work and then went to this evening thing for my work (where I also got drunk). I had fun there, the depression came aferwards when I came home. I had a great dinner, saw a great show about Tina Turner/Mick Jagger, clapped and sang along and had fun. I think I'd really enjoy going to concerts. And I really really like 70's music! I liked basically all of the 70's songs better than the 80's songs. Toby introduced me to Pink Floyd and I love them so much. (Not "Another Brick in the Wall" so much, mind you. They have tons of better songs.) (Heh, listen to me explaining like a fan.) I'm a strange hybrid between a fundie Christian and an atheist lately. I enjoyed "Sympathy for the Devil", performed deliciously by the Mick Jagger imitator. But I kept drawing crosses with my finger the whole time, Just In Case. 

I felt my human value for a moment, like I'm one of the crowd, I'm part of making this fun, they want to perform for ME. But when I came out, there were a bunch of drunken teenagers on the bus and I was the fattest around and felt insecure of myself. I think young drunken boys remind me of being bullied, and I automatically start to shrink mentally. Not sure what to do about that. It's a good thing I don't go to bars much. 

I really like my new job, and they really like me at the job. It's a job I can do well, it's something I can develop at, it's a place where they respect me. The question is why I still haven't quit my Gallup job but keep going back every month or so. I think it's because my mother insists I keep it, just in case. It seems as necessary as drawing the crosses during a song though, so maybe I will just run like the wind and never look back. I still have no money, but now I have a life I enjoy living. It helps my moods so much. 

Apr. 22nd, 2012

I think it'd be easier if there was a way to DEFINE gender, and what makes you a man or woman or something in between. Are there other genders? If so, what are they and how are they recognized? 

And how do you recognize an eating disorder, for that matter? In a world where most women are said to have disordered eating, where the behaviors considered sick for a thin person are considered healthy for a fat person... I mean who can tell? Some people even think all fat people have an eating disorder, which I don't buy because it's too simplistic and anti-fat. 

I just don't know where I fall, or whether I fall in between, and now I hear that voice in my head again, "oo you special snowflake, you think you're sooo different". 

I'll just go to bed, I think, and listen to Alice Munro stories on audio. I'm not sure why Munro's stories soothe me so; they're usually set in the old days when things were considered simple, and life had a very strict order. But I like how she dissects that order and turns it on its head. 

Meanwhile, Osku the cat is digging in the bookshelf for possible stray treats and sneezing from the amount of dust up there. She's aodrable but also really annoying. I can't decide which one wins tonight. 

Apr. 22nd, 2012

I have been doing too much stuff adn going to too many places and now I find myself unable to write everything out. Two days off may not be enough for this. 

Brief bulletin points 

-I may be genderqueer. I'm not even sure what I mean at this point. I'm not trans probably, I don't identify as a man and I doubt I ever will. But who can ever tell what they will feel later? Best promise nothing. 

-I want to experiment on new names. I've never really felt Deniselle, it was a whim. I want a name I really put some thought into. On Facebook, I've settled on Willow Jordan for now. Jordan is the name Toby and I will share when we marry (depending on where we marry and how the name laws are there). Willow just really seems to suit me somehow. Toby loves the idea of Milo as my name, but I don't really feel it as strongly. I see it as a little too male. 

-I love the idea of deciding my identity for myself and just being what I am. But the fact is, I'm terribly worried about how people are going to react if I live out who I am, and whether the changes in my identity will ever end. If I look deeper into myself, will the abyss stare up at me? I feel like I have enough on my plate already, what with the fat acceptance and bisexuality, the not knowing what I believe in, the questioning fucking everything society tells me. 

-But I did find a boyfriend who really loves me and is just as much of a complicated mess as I am. That means something, right? It means I'm not alone, and that this can be something beautiful about me, like the trans thing is something beautifu about him. I can't really explain why I feel his transness is beautiful. I guess I just love all things complicated and true. Which is my undoing, because my brain can't handle it. 

-My mother's obsession with my weight is driving me nuts. Every time I visit, she makes these "veiled" comments about it. She was looking thru a tabloid on my last day there, on Easter holidays, and she had to comment on every diet ad. "Hey we gotta try this purification thing!" "Oh but here's a diet pill, we gotta try that!" She even PATTED MY BELLY while giving me chocolate. I despise her on those moments. She enjoys them; she's been doing this at least since I was six and not even fat; she does it to my father and brothers too. It's just her way of dealing with anyone's fatness or weight gain: she has to say something and if she says something as a joke, with a smile, it's OK. WELL IT'S NOT MOM. Why didn't I say anything? I have no idea. 

-I'm tired of defending my views to people who don't get it and don't give a fuck. I'm tired of people going on and on and on about how fat people are soo unhealthy and ugly and awful and such a burden. It's not based on fact, it's just hate speech. I see the same cycles of thinking in the Straight vs. Gay debate, the trans hate, everything. It's not the same exact arguments and it's not the same exact circumstances, but the basic idea is the same: people look for scapegoats and "others" they can oppress. Will we over outgrow that, as a culture? Who do I oppress?